The news from our Dr's appointment last Friday was mixed.  We had hoped to do an IUI the following Monday if the ultrasound looked good.  The ultrasound showed beautiful eggs, my uterine lining however was about 1/2 the thickness it should be.  Why is this good news?  Because that is what I have been saying for a year now.  I'm not crazy!  I know my body quite well.  What a relief.

I was a bad girl when I was left home alone earlier in the cycle.  I had some leftover Clomid and no self control.  I took it in hopes that I would increase our chances of getting pregnant during our 1st attempt at an IUI.  Why is this bad?  Because I had fought long and hard to do an unmedicated IUI.  My friend's Mom (the nurse for my new doc) advocated for me and the doctor finally agreed.  So I sang like a canary during the ultrasound.  There was no hiding what I had done.  2 big beautiful eggs on my right ovary and 4 smaller ones on the left.  This scares the bejesus out of Jim, but that's another story.

So we were given the option to go ahead with the IUI even though the chances of success were very slim.  We decided to pass for this cycle.  Darn elusive IUI.  As I sat across the desk from the Dr trying to listen to crap that I already knew he did something that gained my confidence.  He printed out a spreadsheet with the day by day game plan for the next cycle.  Holy guacamole, now he has my attention.

He goes on to explain how Clomid (drug used to produce big beautiful eggs) blocks a woman's estrogen receptors and tricks the body into producing more.  However, for some women this is not a good thing because it also blocks the estrogen receptors in the uterine lining which prevents it from thickening properly.  So in a nutshell Clomid is like birth control pills for me.

Can he fix it?  Again, he did something that made me hopeful.   I like a little cockiness in my doctors.  He looked over my file, nodded, and said "I can do this".

The plan for next cycle is counter-intuitive, but I'll go with it.  I decided to let him be the doctor and I will be the patient.  Shocking, I know.  I will still take Clomid to produce beautiful eggs (even though I ovulate on my own thank you very much).  We will follow that up with injectibles to build up my lining.  Then once we trigger ovulation (with another injection in the belly) they will put estrogen patches on me and I will take progesterone supplements.  That in theory will give me beautiful eggs + a beautiful lining.  All of this will save us over $1000 compared to if we went straight to injectibles only.  It's worth a try.

At this point I am hopeful and feel like we are on our way, but I'm also fearful because if we can not correct my pitiful excuse of a uterine lining then it's game over.  I will not be a candidate for Invitro Fertilization because a thin lining will not support a pregnancy.  My previous loses and clomid have left my poor womb with a closed for business sign.  So right now it's a crap shoot.  Will the doctor be able to do a remodeling project and make it good as new or will it be condemned?

I'm not even going to say that we will do an IUI next cycle because Murphy's Law runs very strong in my life.  Damn you all to hell Murphy.

Driving in to work this morning the craziest things happened - hope jumped up and clobbered me over the head.  The sun was shining and despite my best efforts to be a pessimist I just could not give hope the boot.  I haven't felt this hopeful since this time last year.  I've been trying to convince myself to not get excited so that I will not be disappointed yet again, but then I threw caution to the wind and let hope have her way with me.

We are starting with a new doctor and I can't help but feel like we are starting down the path that will lead us to a successful pregnancy.

Jim finally completed the testing that he has needed to do and things look great.  I'm sure he won't mind me bragging about his count.  40 million little swimmers is considered normal, my manly mans count - 262 million!  He is so proud of himself.

I don't want to jinx anything so I'm not going to elaborate on what the plans are this cycle.  I can't look to far ahead, if I take my eyes off of hope she might run off again.

If you can read the following sentence and understand it completely, then you are in the trenches with me.
DH and I bd'd on O day because I had EWCM, HSO, and a + OPK.  I will POAS at 12 dpo.

Learning a new language was never one of my goals in life, but it struck me tonight that I am indeed bilingual.  I am a member of an entire community that remains mostly hidden.  We have our own language and common goal.  Rarely do we reveal ourselves to anyone, yet our stories are so similar.  We have probably been in line at the checkout counter together and never knew that the person standing behind us was feeling the exact same emotions.

Struggling with fertility issues is still considered taboo to talk about.  AIDS, Cancer, and Autism all have cool races and fundraisers and public awareness events.  Maybe it's time for the Race for the Rugrats or the Quest to Conceive.  Any funds raised would go to couples who simply want a family, but who cannot do so without medical intervention.  Procedures are outrageously expensive and insurance does not cover them.

Babydust and Sticky Vibes my TTC sisters.

The first time I went to college I took the proverbial "semester off". I returned to college on my 30th birthday and was a much better student because of the life lessons I had learned along the way. Jim and I have taken a semester off from trying to make a baby. Or at least from doctors. Initially it was only supposed to be a month, but then it became so hard to get psyched up to be a science project again. The thought of blood work, charting my basal body temperature, testing, drugs and forced intimacy left me feeling unenthused.

Right now is one of those weird moments in life when you realize you are standing at a crossroad. For the last 2 years I have believed that we would get pregnant and I would carry to term. I had a fabulous support system, but as the months have passed that system is slowly crumbling. It's not anyone's fault, it's just that life takes you in different directions. I'm not sure which happened first, the support system stopped believing or I did.

I've tried to get myself back on the baby making train. I ventured on to the Pottery Barn Kids website. That used to do it for me. I had tons of pictures that I saved on the computer of ideas that I had for the nursery. Next to the computer was scraps of paper with baby's names doodled on them. It used to take all of my self control to not order the darling bedding sets that I had fallen in love with. This time I felt nothing. I felt like it was for someone else. I can't seem to reconnect to the belief that Jim and I will be parents.

Today is an emotional day. It was 1 year ago today that we lost our last baby - a girl. I still dream about her all the time and wish with all of my heart that she would have come home with us. Seeing her heartbeat on the ultrasound was the most incredible thing. And not seeing it on the next ultrasound was the most devastating. I couldn't cry when the doctor told me. Crying would have been a step up from where I was at. It's been a while since I have cried for her, but today the tears are flowing.

We are supposed to start with a new doctor next month. I haven't been able to work up any excitement, but I am trying. The last doctor crushed my heart. The morning of my last appt. I woke up thinking that we were going to make our baby that day. We were scheduled for an IUI (intrauterine insemination) and I was so hopeful. The ultrasound showed that I had been over stimulated with drugs and the egg was overly mature. I asked what the plan was for the next cycle. I was told to get dressed and we would discuss it in the next room - I hate that room. He said that we should move on to invitro fertilization with genetic screening of the embryo. Let's just say that it's not cheap and there are no guarantees. I still do not understand why he wanted to move me to the last resort before we had even tried the 1st step.

So now I am stalling. The semester off from baby making has been nice. It's scary to go back. I'm having the same anxiety I did when I went back to college. Hopefully I will not run out of the room to throw up at the 1st mention of a test like I did the first day back at school.

This last part is a little self indulgent, but I need to acknowledge what was lost a year ago.

Ryleigh Paige

My sweet little girl.

You have your Daddy’s eyes and determination.

You are the maker of mud pies and mischief.

You are ribbons and ruffles.

You are adventurous and adorable.

You are a snuggler and storyteller.

My sunny bunny. You were with me for such a short time, but I miss you so much. You visit me in my dreams and you are everything I have ever hoped for.

I'm feeling sentimental after watching the last episode of  "The Bachelor".  He is a handsome young pilot and I find myself drifting back to when I met my handsome young pilot.  It was all so exciting and romantic.  I lived in Kansas City and he lived in St. Louis.  We met when I was the assistant for the Station Manager at TWA.  He flew into KC about once a week and I made sure I was in the right place at the right time so we would get a chance to talk. 

We took turns flying back and forth to see each other.  It was almost dare I say glamourous to be in my 20's and walk out of my office door, clear security and hop a flight to STL.  I was always so excited when he came to pick me up at the airport.  One night I called him when I got off the plane while I was walking through the crowded terminal.  He said he could see me and was describing what I was wearing, but I couldn't find him.  The guy next to me was laughing because he was seeing the whole thing play out.  I was looking all around and couldn't find him.  When the crowd parted there he stood right in front of me talking to me on the cellphone.

Our weekends where oh so perfect.  We had dinner out on the town, worked out, and snuggled on the couch and watched movies.  It was always hard to leave when I had to go back to work.

I loved going with him on his trips.  Now those where the days - back at TWA.  Layovers were more than 10 hours long.  It was so much fun to fly knowing that my prince was at the controls.

It seems like a lifetime ago.  I certainly could not have predicted where this life would take us, but I always knew that we would go there together.

Sorry for the absence, I have not been in the mood to write.  It's been hard to get my thoughts together.  Let me catch you up.  We finished 2009 with a new addition to our family.  Lola the Wonderdog aka a Golden Retriever came home with us and has kept us hopping ever since.  She kind of played us for fools the day we met her.  She was sweet and snuggly so we were quite stunned when she revealed her true colors.  Talk about a sassafras.  She has to have the last word and barks when she is told "NO".  I'm sure in her mind that is all I ever say.  The best thing that has come from this is that I learned Jim and I are good parents together.  We try to make sure we are on the same page and take turns with her.  I have never loved my husband more than the morning he got up early to let her out and told me he had it under control so go back to sleep.



2009 was not a good year for us.  It was memorable, but for all of the wrong reasons.  I'm looking forward to putting it behind us and moving forward in 2010.  My single minded determination to get pregnant has mellowed.  The truth is that I miss being "Jim and Traci" and all of the things that go along with it.  Somewhere along the way we stopped doing all of the things that made us us.  I laid down the law when it came to marathon training.  If it had the potential to decrease fertility, I was not having it.  Jim usually runs 2 marathons a year and he quit 2 weeks prior to the New York marathon that he had been training for.  It dawned on me that all of the extreme measures I have taken haven't changed a darn thing.  It's time to get back to our lives.  I'm still hopeful that we will add branches to our family tree, but I can't miss out on life to make it happen.

I have been stalling the process of starting with a new doctor.  I just can't seem to get excited to become a science experiment again.  The bloodwork, ultrasounds, and hormonal rollercoaster are completely overwhelming.  However, we will start with a new doctor next month.  While I can't say that I am hopeful I will say that I am in a better frame of mind.  Hope is too hard to come by.  I think I am protecting my heart.  Our good friend's Mother works for a reproductive specialist and she has gone to bat for us and I will have a say so in the way things are done.  That means everything.

To everyone who has followed this and offered encouragement I am so thankful for you.  You have seen me through my darkest days.  Here's hoping that 2010 is the best year yet.

This is my top 10 list of things not to say to someone who is struggling with fertility issues. There have been many people who mean well and don’t know what to say so they go with cliché statements. What they don’t understand is what it means to someone who is in the middle of a personal war. This is a list of things that I have heard/experienced in the past year.

1. Just relax and it will happen. Seriously? Why didn’t I think of that!

2. Anything having to do with God’s will. So your telling me that God thinks I would make a terrible Mother?

3. Have you thought about adoption? Your telling me that I’m broken. Have YOU thought about adoption?

4. You will understand when you are a Mother. Just flat out hurtful.

5. Maybe you should try antidepressants (my personal favorite). Said to me after my last miscarriage. Let me assure you that what I was feeling was appropriate for what I was going through.

6. You should get a puppy. You should get a brain.

7. Stop trying.

8. Don’t discount what I’m feeling and try to put a happy spin on things. Thank you for trying to make me feel better or make yourself less uncomfortable, but sometimes I just need to be pissed.

9. Don’t complain to me about your pregnancy/kids. It’s pouring salt on my wounds.

10. Don’t pity me. That just makes it worse. This situation is what it is and I am managing it. Some days are better than others. When you pity me it says to me that you think that I am less than you.  I am not.

For those of you who have never struggled with this I bet you think this is pretty harsh.  For those of you who are walking this path I bet you think I am right on the money.  In fact you can probably add to this list.