I spent the first 27ish years of my life in Kansas City. It’s a part of who I am, but this week I think I have proven the old adage that you can never really go home again.

I visited people and places that are so much a part of me and I enjoyed it, but I was also a bit self conscious. When I am in St. Louis people only know the grown up me. When I go home (to KC) I fear that all they see when they look at me are all of my poor choices and groan worthy moments. I am not the confident grown woman that I am in my own home.

Don’t get me wrong, I love visiting family and friends and regret that it’s been so long between visits. The places have changed so much that they don’t feel familiar and comforting. I was driving down a highway that I have logged many miles on and had a sudden moment of panic when I had no idea where I was. What used to be open fields is now filled with shops and apartments.

Jim joined me in KC after his trip and I was so glad to have him there. I was feeling out of sorts and I thought his presence would set things right. Instead I looked at him through my insecure eyes and wondered if I deserved him. When we are in our own home I am very much his equal, but this week my past left me with doubt.

My past is not filled with deep dark seedy secrets, just the normal youthful foolishness. I guess I was just thinking about the choices I made and wonder if I had followed a different path and not wasted so much time would I already have a family of my own. Is it true that I waited too long? Are the struggles of the last year and a half all due to my age?

I hate having regrets and usually don’t allow myself time to get caught up in them. I have come full circle. I can see how the challenges I faced as a child help me in my current job. I understand my kids from the inside out. When I went to college right out of high school I wanted to be a teacher. I never questioned it. I knew with 100% certainty that is what I wanted to be; until I didn’t want to anymore. Something about a classroom full of students didn’t feel right. Now I work for a school district and see kids one-on-one and tailor my time to their specific needs.

How does my time at TWA fit in? I’m not sure yet. Maybe it was just a detour that allowed me to meet my long time dear friend Corinna. How else was I supposed to meet Jim? If I was destined to be his wife then I guess my 10 years at TWA was for a purpose.

I’m glad to be back home and thankful for the flashback of where life has taken me so far. Maybe I am getting better with age.