I am married to a very driven man. Sometimes what drives him drives me insane. For most people running a marathon would be the ultimate. For him it has become predictable, 26.2 miles in roughly 3 hours. So now it’s time to raise the stakes and train for a triathlon, much to my dismay.

I am trying to be fair. For the past year he has not run a marathon and at times I have been a tyrant about how strenuous his activity could be because it could hurt our chances of conceiving. Both times we conceived came after he finished a marathon and was no longer training.

Telling him not to do something is the fastest way to ensure that he will do the opposite. “Just run for the love of it.” I tell him. For him the love of it is testing himself. He can not simply run up the hill, he has to time himself and then beat his previous time.  For him a hill is not simply an incline, but more Mt. Everest like.

At the gym, I had the pleasure of being one row behind him while he was on the elliptical machine. I strolled on the treadmill at a moderate pace content to let my mind wonder - until he caught my eye. I nearly flew off of the back of the treadmill when I looked up to see him punishing the machine. Most people have the settings at a moderate pace, he had the thing pegged and was stomping on the peddles like he was trying to teach them a lesson. I wondered what crazy goal he had set for himself. Will they ever invent a machine that will kick his @ss?

It is time for a marathon. I hate marathon training. Really I do, but he will not be content again until he has quenched his competitive spirit. This is one of the reasons I have decided to extend the baby making break. Expecting Jim to go for a nice easy run is like asking the wind not to blow.

So run your marathon and save the triathlon for another day. It can be your incentive to knock me up already!

I’m enjoying this baby break and thinking about extending it until the start of the year. I would have loved for it to have happened all on its own this month, but I just don’t think that is ever going to happen. For some reason after the last loss I have not recovered. I am broken. I hate the label infertile and have fought against it with all my might. Right now I am completely sick of doctors, needles, tests, and instruments being shoved where the sun don’t shine.

The first time Jim went with me to a doctor’s appointment he turned white as a ghost during the internal ultrasound. He said he wasn’t sure how to feel seeing his wife spread eagle and a crowd of people molesting her in the name of medicine. Now he doesn’t even flinch and can even manage to ask the questions that I suddenly forget once I’m on the table.

Before you get mad, I am not giving up; just giving it a rest for a while. This has literally consumed my life for almost 2 years now and I am tired of fertility (or lack there of) defining me.

Right now I am trying to focus on all of the things that I can do because I am not tied down with little ones.

Here’s my list so far:
1. Take off on a moments notice to fly around with Jim
2. Sleep late
3. Sleep 8 hours straight through
4. Soak in the bathtub for as long as I like
5. Use bad words with reckless abandon instead of a watered down version
6. Give an adult conversation my full attention
7. Shop
8. Watch something other than Disney
9. Own breakable items and plants and not worry about little hands getting into them
10. Going to dinner at a place that does not have a kids menu

None of this is really any consolation. My list of what’s missing is much longer, but I’m trying to look on the bright side.

I keep coming up with new ways to relieve stress. I’ve tried to change the way I look at the world. I even bought a pair of rose colored glasses in hopes that the cliché is true (it’s not by the way).

Jim and I joined a gym and I spent 50 minutes in the cardio theatre last night and felt like I could take on the world when I came out of there. Sweat soaked and full of piss and vinegar just daring someone to cross me.

Never extend a dare.

Lately I am shocked and amazed at the behavior of people I encounter. Whether it be in traffic, in line at the grocery store, or even at work; people are just downright rude. My usual approach is to let it roll off of me. Chances are I don’t really like the person anyway so who cares. However, it is getting very tiresome. Why must they ruin my Zen?

When did we as a society stop holding doors open for people? When did it become a race to the checkout line and why does the person with an overflowing cart think its okay to cut off the person with one or two items? And then pay with a check? That they didn’t fill out ahead of time? When did we stop apologizing when we are wrong?

This isn’t intended to be a cranky rant, just my observations. Whatever happened to manners? Are we all overly scheduled stress cases? Have we spent so much time on our computers and cellphones that we have forgotten how to interact with people face to face. R.I.P common courtesy.

When life hands you lemons you make lemonade right? Or do you suck on them and make the pucker face? Well lately it seems I have chosen to make the pucker face. I have not had the fierce willpower needed to push through all of the muck and get on with things.

During the drive home from our great weekend I decided I was going to color my hair. It was time for a change. Yes, that is woman logic at it’s finest. Every fall I get the notion to go brown or even red. This year I finally did it. Jim more or less dared me to. He said that I am pretty conservative when it comes to my hair color. So I marched myself straight out to get a bottle of color – L’Oreal Preference 6AM, Light Amber Brown.

Within 30 minutes I had the change I was looking for. It changed my attitude. Suddenly I am, to quote Tyra Banks, “fierce”. Not on the outside, but on the inside. Usually I am a people pleaser. I think I have been pushed to my breaking point and now I am taking the attitude that I will do what I can do and only what I can do. Fierce.

I will stand firm when life throws lemons at me hands me lemons. Bruises be damned. I am fierce.

Jim and I traveled to Illinois this weekend for his cousin's wedding.  When his Father passed away we said that we should all get together under better circumstances and this was just such an occasion.  What a great family.  We laughed and told stories and for an evening I completely forgot about the events of the past year. 

Today I feel so happy.  I loved sitting next to my husband while another VH couple took their vows.  I held Jim's hand and thought - so that's what we said to each other 2 1/2 years ago.  I was in a trance during our vows.  Almost like I was standing beside myself observing the whole thing.  I wish I could have a "do over" for our wedding.  I want to soak in every second of it.  No nerves this time, I would completely get lost in the moment.

I hope that Jim's cousin and his bride made wonderful memories tonight.  The music was perfect and the little ones put on quite a show on the dance floor.  A new branch of the family was formed.  The garter toss was perfection.  I think his cousin missed his calling and should have been an actor - what comedic timing.  When you watch the newlyweds together you get a sense that they will make it, that they are completely comfortable together.  They will navigate their way through for better or worse.  Like I said, it was a great night.

Congratulations to the bride and groom.  May you have a very long and happy life together.

Flexibility is the cornerstone of my existence and I pride myself on being able to change plans and go with the flow. Lately I think I am stretched to the end of my range of motion (picture the game Twister). More and more I am just wanting things my own way. This is not a good thing considering I am an assistant at work and a wife at home. When it comes to making a baby so much of it is beyond my control and now I need to rely on doctors, which takes even more control out of my hands.

Our plan for next cycle was to be one of the first patients at The Fertility Partnership and I was hanging a lot of hope on this new venture. It made taking a break this cycle easier to cope with. Today I found out that they will be delayed a couple of weeks for the opening due to a construction delay. It will not open in time for us to properly time an IUI next month. I’m crushed.  More delays and lost time and another month down the drain.

So now it is time to come up with a new revision to the plan. I think we are up to plan Z, possibly even double digits, I’ve lost count. I will dig deep and find another scrap of flexibility to change plans. Stay tuned for the next episode of mi vida loca (my crazy life).

Trying to make a baby takes on a life of it's own sometimes.  Other times it just takes over your life.  It's time to balance trying to conceive with everyday life.  Right now it's hard to separate the two, but I feel like I need to do just that to be a happier/better Traci.

This month we are on a break from all things baby, however, I am still obsessively POAS (peeing on a stick) to see when I will ovulate.  I tell myself that it is only for planning purposes for the next cycle.  Jim has to bid his schedule for next month so I need to tell him when to be home.  Really it's a shot in the dark because it varies from month to month

Balancing the baby obsessed Traci with the normal everyday Traci is not an easy task.  Before I go potty I calculate how long it's been since the last time I went.  How long of a hold have I had? (this can effect the accuracy of ovulation tests and pregnancy tests.)  Oooooh a 4 hour hold, don't want to waste it.  Then quick mental math to see what day I am on in my cycle to see if I should take an ovulation test or if it is too early to take a pregnancy test.  All the while trying not to pee my pants while I attempt to unwrap the appropriate test.  Never in a million years would I have believed how ridiculous this would all get.

Comments like "Just relax and it will happen" are so frustrating.  Number one it is impossible to be relaxed when you are trying to relax.  You try it right now while you are reading this.  I'll wait....see not that easy is it.  When something as simple and everyday as going potty triggers a flurry of ttc (trying to conceive) thoughts it's very hard not to richochet out of control. 

I have to find a way to let go a little.  It doesn't mean that I am giving up, just that something has to change.  Lately I feel the need to protect my heart and the only way to do that is to let go.  My dear friends and family have been so supportive and want this for Jim and I as much as we do.  Each month that it doesn't happen I not only face my own disappointment, but feel like I have let them down.

When I decided to write this blog I needed to get my thoughts and feelings out.  No holds barred commentary on what I feel.  Some days it's depressing and that's okay because it's what I feel. Not everyone will have children and I am trying to come to terms with that possibility.  Other days I'm hopeful and find humor in all of this and I will write about that too.

We are definately taking this month off from trying to conceive.  It's kind of hard to make a baby when you are not even in the same country!  It was hard to let it go this month, but now that I've had time to get over it, it's actually kind of nice.  Getting to that point was not easy.  I hate clomid to put it mildly and I went and filled a prescription I had that was double the dose of what I had previously taken.  I'm not sure what I was thinking.  I was desperate to not let this month go.  Much to Jim's relief I didn't take it.  I kept looking at the rx bottle and the 2 little pills I woud have to take for 5 days.  I had to laugh when I looked at the pills and thought, one to make me bitchy and the other to give me hotflashes.  I just couldn't do it.  So this cycle is a bust.  No crazy two week wait wondering if it happened this month.  I'm going to try to take off some of the lbs I've packed on this past year.  Stress and hormones have not been kind to my waistline.

Today was a retail therapy day.  Not sure how therapeutic it really was.  Dressing room lighting and 3 way mirrors are not my friend!  Apparently someone tried on every pair of pants that I tried on right ahead of me and got their cellulite all over them.  That is the only reasonable explanation of how it ended up all over my legs.  Yuck.  It's time to invest in an elliptical machine ASAP!!!

I got to see my little 9 month old buddy M. today.  Love that kid.  I can't help but smile when he's around.  I love that he grins great big when he sees me and crawls right over to say hi.  He pulled himself up on me and it happened.  I heard hope whisper in my ear.  Whew, thank goodness.

Dr S. is opening his fertility practice in November and I will be one of his first patients.  Hopefully we are a go for an IUI.  He was going to do one for us a couple of months ago, but the timing was not right and we would have had to run all over town to get things done.  Now it will be one stop shopping.  I feel like this is the right way to go.  He needs this practice to be a success.  He's mortgaged his house on it.  So Jim and I decided what better time to get in with his practice.  He will be highly motivated for us to have a successful pregnancy.  I'm looking forward to it and it absolutely softens the blow of taking a month off.

When we built our house, deep down I always thought that we would need all 4 bedrooms.  One room in particular captivated me.  The bedroom at the front of the house across from our bedroom was just begging to become a nursery.  I imagined the closet with it's little window would become a fort where my child would spend hours playing.  I used to go in that room every morning before going downstairs and starting my day.  Standing in that room I daydreamed about how I would decorate it.  I poured over PotteryBarn Kids catalogs and fought the urge to by a little girl nursery set and a little boy nursery set just to cover my bases.

At some point I stopped going in that room.  There are days that I just close the door to that room.  In my mind it is just a guest room now.  The pink and blue paint chips have been thrown in a drawer and the catalogs and magazines are stacked in the back of a closet.

Is it time to close the door on this chapter?  I truely don't know.  I'm afraid to take a month off from this trying to conceive business.  If we take a break will it be like taking a semester off from college?  Will that be the end of things?  Each month it gets a little harder to find hope.  I once read a saying that went something like this "When the world says give up, it's hope that whispers in your ear 'try again'".  I don't hear that whisper this month.  Maybe I have closed that door to my heart.

What's a girl have to do to get an IUI around here?  It's time to start planning this cycle and deciding on which Dr we want to guide us through this.

The first Dr I went to started out wonderful.  Jim and I both felt comfortable there and loved the straightforward talk from one of his nurses.  They ran every test they could think of to figure out what is going wrong.  It was immediate action, no wasted visits.  I felt my co-pay was well spent.  No waiting for hours in waiting rooms and exam rooms.  I did 3 monitored cycles of Clomid with this Dr and each month he oooh'd and aaah'd over the "beautiful" follicles I was producing.  When the 3rd cycle didn't work I called in to see what the plan was for the next cycle.  I did not get to talk to my favorite nurse, but instead had to talk to the one that seems to get confused.  She said the plan was injectibles with TI (timed intercourse) because I don't ovulate on my own.  Ummmm excuse me?  I do too ovulate on my own.  I've been pregnant twice in the past 6 months all on my own, well with some help from my husband of course.  I was so frustrated with her and trying to conceive that I decided I needed a break.

The break didn't last long when I heard about an OB Gyn who specializes in fertility.  I made an appt.  His credentials are fabulous.  His ability to be on time is not.  We waited for over an hour in the waiting room and then another 40 minutes in his office for a consultation.  When he finally came running in (literally) he barely came up for air.  I had to interrupt to tell him why we were there and what I wanted him to do for us.  He is one of the original docs to work with MTHFR (the blood clotting disorder that I have).  In fact he was interviewed on Discovery Health as an expert about it.  "I'm going to throw the kitchen sink at you."  "I want you on Heparin and possibly progesterone, I want to err on the side of caution".  The thought of injecting myself twice a day with Heparin scared me - more than a little.  Not to mention the expense, it will cost over $100 per month.

The 2nd visit with this doc went better.  Still a very long wait, but this time I had his full attention.  He discovered things in minutes that the other doc never mentioned.  He listened and let me have a say so in my care plan.  However, at that time he didn't not have his fertility practice all under one roof so there would be a lot of running around town just to do an IUI.  We decided to wait until his fertility clinic opens in November.

Another cycle came and went without any success.  November seemed so far away so it was off to doc number 3.  He completely frustrated both Jim and me.  He wants to re-run tests that I just had and am still paying for.  Expensive, painful tests that I showed him the results of.  One I even had the 3D color images from.  He refused to do an ultrasound which is pretty much standard procedure.  Instead he did a manual exam that was very uncomfortable.  When he finished he said "Good news, your tonsils feel great".  I didn't laugh.  We discussed what was next and it did not include making a baby.  It was more tests.  More wasted time.  Bleh.

Another cycle has come and gone.  It's time to take action, but I'm not sure which doc to trust.  I'm a planner and I just don't have a plan for this one.