I have delayed writing this update because I was just too angry to put things into words. It is decision time and I’m not sure which direction to go, so I think it is best if I sit still and wait for a few clues. We are at a fork in the road and I’ve always been a path less travelled kind of girl, even if that path has some scary sections. Now the thought of the scary section is overwhelming.


Let me back up and fill you in. Last week we were going to try our first IUI. I felt so excited and hopeful again, for the first time in a long time. I went back on clomid (fertility drug) which I hate, but that is what the Dr wanted. I questioned the dosage; I went from being an “excellent responder” on 50mgs to 150mgs??? They reassured me that it would be fine.


My appointments were set and again I questioned the timing. I know my body and I know my body on the drugs and it didn’t seem right to me. Again, I was reassured that everything was just fine. Everything was not just fine. Jim was on a trip and I could feel the pressure and cramping on my right ovary. The Dr’s office finally let me come in and I was right, I would ovulate right when I said I would. The follicle was huge, the Dr labeled it “gorgeous”.


I told Jim the news and he got the chief pilot to let him out of the rest of his trip so that he could come home. Originally Jim did not want the chief pilot to even know his name, now the guy knows when it’s time to make the donuts.


So Jim flew home late Tuesday night and we went in for the IUI on Wednesday morning. I had butterflies before that appointment. This is it I thought. We are finally going to get pregnant again. What happened next completely rocked my world. The Dr did another ultrasound before the procedure and said that it “is not a happy egg” and it would be a waste of time to proceed. The follicle had gotten so large that the egg could not ovulate.  The purpose and timing of taking clomid was to produce a bigger, better quality egg.  I believe the dosage was way to high and caused the problem this month.  I did not have to go through this.


I was given a trigger shot and we were told to go home and try on our own just in case, but that it was not going to happen this month. Honestly, I believe I was given the trigger shot so that it would not turn into a cyst.


As the Dr was leaving the room I asked what was the plan for the next cycle since this one was obviously a bust. That got his attention and he led us into another room. “This is going no where”, he said. It is time to move on to IVF with genetic testing on the embryos before they are implanted. My ears pounded like a bomb had just gone off. I did have the where with all to ask the cost, $15,000 per try.


How did I go from an “excellent responder” who did not need assisted reproduction to moving on to the last resort during the course of one appointment?  The only thing we have tried is clomid and it is shown to not have a high success rate for women who ovulate on their own.  That's me.  There are so many other things that we can try first before moving on to IVF.


After I was given the trigger shot I was ushered out of the exam room and told to see the receptionist to “say goodbye”. She seemed confused and asked when I needed to schedule the next appointment. My nurse said “no more appointments”.


So that’s it. They broke up with us.


Twelve hours after the trigger shot the follicle ruptured. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. I was doubled over crying and considering a trip to the emergency room. After 30 minutes, a hot bath, and 3 Advil the pain eased up and I just felt bruised. Like I had been kicked in the gut (I had been hadn’t I?).


Once the initial shock wore off we decided to look into other Dr’s and try IUI before moving on to the next step. For now we plan on enjoying the holidays. Trying to conceive has taken over every aspect of our lives. I will put that same energy into the holidays and let things go for now.  I can't bear the idea of seeming my family this year due to the rather large pink elephant in the room.  So we will lay low and have a quiet holiday at home.  Right or wrong, I have too much shame right now.


We will resume this battle after the start of the year. I know that this blog tends to be depressing, but that’s the point. This is very depressing. I can’t always put a good spin on things, it’s just too exhausting. I wish I could be someone more inspirational and find the positive in this situation, but right now I feel beaten down.

This was posted on a dear friends blog http://www.nottheuglyduckling.blogspot.com/ and another friend of mine reminded me of this tonight and I think it bears repeating.

Original-


There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss, and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep,explore,and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

- Author Unknown

I’m just hanging out trying not to ovulate. A friend suggested I hang upside down in an effort to delay the inevitable. I’ve kept a secret this month. We were going to try an IUI (intrauterine insemination) and I went back on clomid so I would produce a big beautiful follicle.

Timing is everything in this game and our timing couldn’t be worse. I questioned the timing, but the Dr’s office assured me they had my appointments set correctly. Jim is on a trip so it’s kind of hard to conceive if we are not even in the same state.

Originally my ultrasound to check the follicles was schedule for Wednesday and the insemination on Thursday. This morning I knew that I would ovulate before Wednesday. Before Jim gets home. I called the Dr’s office and they finally agreed to let me come in. What do you know; I know my body better than they do. There it was, larger than life, my big juicy follicle just waiting to burst. They acted surprised and I swallowed my anger.

It’s so frustrating to know that this opportunity will pass. I took a drug that I truly detest. I took one for the team. I will endure the hotflashes and emotional roller coaster that are waiting for me as a result of clomid.

I wanted to move the appointment up to Friday so we could get a better handle on the timing and give Jim a chance to get out of his trip. Instead I have been left hanging.

It’s amazing what a few kind words can do to turn your day around. So often we think good thoughts about a person and then do not share those thoughts. Why? It’s one of the few things that is still free and frankly it feels good. It feels good to let someone know that you see them in a good light and it feels amazing to get an honest compliment.

Today my boss forwarded a very kind email about me that someone had sent her. It came from an unlikely source and really made me feel like I had accomplished something. Validation!

Those kind words took my mind off of heavier subjects and it is a welcome break. Think someone is terrific? Tell them. You may be surprised what a difference it can make.

Today I had the pleasure of going on a fieldtrip for work and met some incredible individuals. We visited RHD-MO which is a wonderful place that provides an artistic outlet for people who have been labeled developmentally disabled. The cool thing is they focus on abilities and not the “dis” of that label.

They have art workshops and are guided by professional artists to explore and express themselves. Art shows allow the artists an opportunity to sell their work and be part of the community.

However, my favorite part is the music studio. Again individuals are supported by professional musicians to create their own songs. As I was leaving I was given CD’s of their work to check out. I couldn’t wait to listen to them and popped them in the CD player in the car. The first song I heard both touched me and cracked me up. A young man summed up his view of the world. You’re Pretty or You’re Poo Poo. I wish I could put the song on here, but it is copyrighted. It’s been running through my head all evening. It’s quite a catchy tune.

Here’s a link to their website. Check them out and if you feel inclined find a way to support this wonderful place. They just opened in February and have already made a difference in many lives. http://www.rhd-mo.org/

Since making the decision to take a break from baby making I have been looking for a way to fill my time. The Cardio Theatre at Gold’s Gym is filling the bill quite nicely. I can totally lose track of time and let me mind wonder.

In fact it wondered so far away from the treadmill that I shot off the back of the damn thing. Just another one of my “precious moments” I suppose. I must have forgotten to keep moving.

I am trying to lose the extra pounds that have crept onto my body in the past year and a half. It is not leaving as quickly as I would like. Apparently I am a fabulous host and the fat would prefer to stay right where it’s at. How rude!

If I can’t sweat the stuff off of me then I may just have to resort to yoga classes. I used to do yoga at home and loved it. I have to confess that I have a secret fear of yoga in a class setting. I’m afraid I will toot during downward dog or something, ‘cause hey that’s the way I roll.

I've lost 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  Nice start, but not going to cut it.  Anyone have any weight loss tips or secrets?  Please share 'em if you've got 'em.