•5:33 PM
I have delayed writing this update because I was just too angry to put things into words. It is decision time and I’m not sure which direction to go, so I think it is best if I sit still and wait for a few clues. We are at a fork in the road and I’ve always been a path less travelled kind of girl, even if that path has some scary sections. Now the thought of the scary section is overwhelming.
Let me back up and fill you in. Last week we were going to try our first IUI. I felt so excited and hopeful again, for the first time in a long time. I went back on clomid (fertility drug) which I hate, but that is what the Dr wanted. I questioned the dosage; I went from being an “excellent responder” on 50mgs to 150mgs??? They reassured me that it would be fine.
My appointments were set and again I questioned the timing. I know my body and I know my body on the drugs and it didn’t seem right to me. Again, I was reassured that everything was just fine. Everything was not just fine. Jim was on a trip and I could feel the pressure and cramping on my right ovary. The Dr’s office finally let me come in and I was right, I would ovulate right when I said I would. The follicle was huge, the Dr labeled it “gorgeous”.
I told Jim the news and he got the chief pilot to let him out of the rest of his trip so that he could come home. Originally Jim did not want the chief pilot to even know his name, now the guy knows when it’s time to make the donuts.
So Jim flew home late Tuesday night and we went in for the IUI on Wednesday morning. I had butterflies before that appointment. This is it I thought. We are finally going to get pregnant again. What happened next completely rocked my world. The Dr did another ultrasound before the procedure and said that it “is not a happy egg” and it would be a waste of time to proceed. The follicle had gotten so large that the egg could not ovulate. The purpose and timing of taking clomid was to produce a bigger, better quality egg. I believe the dosage was way to high and caused the problem this month. I did not have to go through this.
I was given a trigger shot and we were told to go home and try on our own just in case, but that it was not going to happen this month. Honestly, I believe I was given the trigger shot so that it would not turn into a cyst.
As the Dr was leaving the room I asked what was the plan for the next cycle since this one was obviously a bust. That got his attention and he led us into another room. “This is going no where”, he said. It is time to move on to IVF with genetic testing on the embryos before they are implanted. My ears pounded like a bomb had just gone off. I did have the where with all to ask the cost, $15,000 per try.
How did I go from an “excellent responder” who did not need assisted reproduction to moving on to the last resort during the course of one appointment? The only thing we have tried is clomid and it is shown to not have a high success rate for women who ovulate on their own. That's me. There are so many other things that we can try first before moving on to IVF.
After I was given the trigger shot I was ushered out of the exam room and told to see the receptionist to “say goodbye”. She seemed confused and asked when I needed to schedule the next appointment. My nurse said “no more appointments”.
So that’s it. They broke up with us.
Twelve hours after the trigger shot the follicle ruptured. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. I was doubled over crying and considering a trip to the emergency room. After 30 minutes, a hot bath, and 3 Advil the pain eased up and I just felt bruised. Like I had been kicked in the gut (I had been hadn’t I?).
Once the initial shock wore off we decided to look into other Dr’s and try IUI before moving on to the next step. For now we plan on enjoying the holidays. Trying to conceive has taken over every aspect of our lives. I will put that same energy into the holidays and let things go for now. I can't bear the idea of seeming my family this year due to the rather large pink elephant in the room. So we will lay low and have a quiet holiday at home. Right or wrong, I have too much shame right now.
We will resume this battle after the start of the year. I know that this blog tends to be depressing, but that’s the point. This is very depressing. I can’t always put a good spin on things, it’s just too exhausting. I wish I could be someone more inspirational and find the positive in this situation, but right now I feel beaten down.
Let me back up and fill you in. Last week we were going to try our first IUI. I felt so excited and hopeful again, for the first time in a long time. I went back on clomid (fertility drug) which I hate, but that is what the Dr wanted. I questioned the dosage; I went from being an “excellent responder” on 50mgs to 150mgs??? They reassured me that it would be fine.
My appointments were set and again I questioned the timing. I know my body and I know my body on the drugs and it didn’t seem right to me. Again, I was reassured that everything was just fine. Everything was not just fine. Jim was on a trip and I could feel the pressure and cramping on my right ovary. The Dr’s office finally let me come in and I was right, I would ovulate right when I said I would. The follicle was huge, the Dr labeled it “gorgeous”.
I told Jim the news and he got the chief pilot to let him out of the rest of his trip so that he could come home. Originally Jim did not want the chief pilot to even know his name, now the guy knows when it’s time to make the donuts.
So Jim flew home late Tuesday night and we went in for the IUI on Wednesday morning. I had butterflies before that appointment. This is it I thought. We are finally going to get pregnant again. What happened next completely rocked my world. The Dr did another ultrasound before the procedure and said that it “is not a happy egg” and it would be a waste of time to proceed. The follicle had gotten so large that the egg could not ovulate. The purpose and timing of taking clomid was to produce a bigger, better quality egg. I believe the dosage was way to high and caused the problem this month. I did not have to go through this.
I was given a trigger shot and we were told to go home and try on our own just in case, but that it was not going to happen this month. Honestly, I believe I was given the trigger shot so that it would not turn into a cyst.
As the Dr was leaving the room I asked what was the plan for the next cycle since this one was obviously a bust. That got his attention and he led us into another room. “This is going no where”, he said. It is time to move on to IVF with genetic testing on the embryos before they are implanted. My ears pounded like a bomb had just gone off. I did have the where with all to ask the cost, $15,000 per try.
How did I go from an “excellent responder” who did not need assisted reproduction to moving on to the last resort during the course of one appointment? The only thing we have tried is clomid and it is shown to not have a high success rate for women who ovulate on their own. That's me. There are so many other things that we can try first before moving on to IVF.
After I was given the trigger shot I was ushered out of the exam room and told to see the receptionist to “say goodbye”. She seemed confused and asked when I needed to schedule the next appointment. My nurse said “no more appointments”.
So that’s it. They broke up with us.
Twelve hours after the trigger shot the follicle ruptured. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. I was doubled over crying and considering a trip to the emergency room. After 30 minutes, a hot bath, and 3 Advil the pain eased up and I just felt bruised. Like I had been kicked in the gut (I had been hadn’t I?).
Once the initial shock wore off we decided to look into other Dr’s and try IUI before moving on to the next step. For now we plan on enjoying the holidays. Trying to conceive has taken over every aspect of our lives. I will put that same energy into the holidays and let things go for now. I can't bear the idea of seeming my family this year due to the rather large pink elephant in the room. So we will lay low and have a quiet holiday at home. Right or wrong, I have too much shame right now.
We will resume this battle after the start of the year. I know that this blog tends to be depressing, but that’s the point. This is very depressing. I can’t always put a good spin on things, it’s just too exhausting. I wish I could be someone more inspirational and find the positive in this situation, but right now I feel beaten down.
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1 comments:
I still cannot believe this... Cannot believe M or Dr W! Absolutely appauled by their actions!
Now that we're back and caught up on laundry and all the fun household chores that get stacked up when you're done for nine days, let's get together! Let me know when and I'll there! Except for the usual working hours... Don't think either of our employers would appreciate us skipping out. haha!