The first time I went to college I took the proverbial "semester off". I returned to college on my 30th birthday and was a much better student because of the life lessons I had learned along the way. Jim and I have taken a semester off from trying to make a baby. Or at least from doctors. Initially it was only supposed to be a month, but then it became so hard to get psyched up to be a science project again. The thought of blood work, charting my basal body temperature, testing, drugs and forced intimacy left me feeling unenthused.

Right now is one of those weird moments in life when you realize you are standing at a crossroad. For the last 2 years I have believed that we would get pregnant and I would carry to term. I had a fabulous support system, but as the months have passed that system is slowly crumbling. It's not anyone's fault, it's just that life takes you in different directions. I'm not sure which happened first, the support system stopped believing or I did.

I've tried to get myself back on the baby making train. I ventured on to the Pottery Barn Kids website. That used to do it for me. I had tons of pictures that I saved on the computer of ideas that I had for the nursery. Next to the computer was scraps of paper with baby's names doodled on them. It used to take all of my self control to not order the darling bedding sets that I had fallen in love with. This time I felt nothing. I felt like it was for someone else. I can't seem to reconnect to the belief that Jim and I will be parents.

Today is an emotional day. It was 1 year ago today that we lost our last baby - a girl. I still dream about her all the time and wish with all of my heart that she would have come home with us. Seeing her heartbeat on the ultrasound was the most incredible thing. And not seeing it on the next ultrasound was the most devastating. I couldn't cry when the doctor told me. Crying would have been a step up from where I was at. It's been a while since I have cried for her, but today the tears are flowing.

We are supposed to start with a new doctor next month. I haven't been able to work up any excitement, but I am trying. The last doctor crushed my heart. The morning of my last appt. I woke up thinking that we were going to make our baby that day. We were scheduled for an IUI (intrauterine insemination) and I was so hopeful. The ultrasound showed that I had been over stimulated with drugs and the egg was overly mature. I asked what the plan was for the next cycle. I was told to get dressed and we would discuss it in the next room - I hate that room. He said that we should move on to invitro fertilization with genetic screening of the embryo. Let's just say that it's not cheap and there are no guarantees. I still do not understand why he wanted to move me to the last resort before we had even tried the 1st step.

So now I am stalling. The semester off from baby making has been nice. It's scary to go back. I'm having the same anxiety I did when I went back to college. Hopefully I will not run out of the room to throw up at the 1st mention of a test like I did the first day back at school.

This last part is a little self indulgent, but I need to acknowledge what was lost a year ago.

Ryleigh Paige

My sweet little girl.

You have your Daddy’s eyes and determination.

You are the maker of mud pies and mischief.

You are ribbons and ruffles.

You are adventurous and adorable.

You are a snuggler and storyteller.

My sunny bunny. You were with me for such a short time, but I miss you so much. You visit me in my dreams and you are everything I have ever hoped for.