•5:50 PM
Trying to make a baby takes on a life of it's own sometimes. Other times it just takes over your life. It's time to balance trying to conceive with everyday life. Right now it's hard to separate the two, but I feel like I need to do just that to be a happier/better Traci.
This month we are on a break from all things baby, however, I am still obsessively POAS (peeing on a stick) to see when I will ovulate. I tell myself that it is only for planning purposes for the next cycle. Jim has to bid his schedule for next month so I need to tell him when to be home. Really it's a shot in the dark because it varies from month to month
Balancing the baby obsessed Traci with the normal everyday Traci is not an easy task. Before I go potty I calculate how long it's been since the last time I went. How long of a hold have I had? (this can effect the accuracy of ovulation tests and pregnancy tests.) Oooooh a 4 hour hold, don't want to waste it. Then quick mental math to see what day I am on in my cycle to see if I should take an ovulation test or if it is too early to take a pregnancy test. All the while trying not to pee my pants while I attempt to unwrap the appropriate test. Never in a million years would I have believed how ridiculous this would all get.
Comments like "Just relax and it will happen" are so frustrating. Number one it is impossible to be relaxed when you are trying to relax. You try it right now while you are reading this. I'll wait....see not that easy is it. When something as simple and everyday as going potty triggers a flurry of ttc (trying to conceive) thoughts it's very hard not to richochet out of control.
I have to find a way to let go a little. It doesn't mean that I am giving up, just that something has to change. Lately I feel the need to protect my heart and the only way to do that is to let go. My dear friends and family have been so supportive and want this for Jim and I as much as we do. Each month that it doesn't happen I not only face my own disappointment, but feel like I have let them down.
When I decided to write this blog I needed to get my thoughts and feelings out. No holds barred commentary on what I feel. Some days it's depressing and that's okay because it's what I feel. Not everyone will have children and I am trying to come to terms with that possibility. Other days I'm hopeful and find humor in all of this and I will write about that too.
This month we are on a break from all things baby, however, I am still obsessively POAS (peeing on a stick) to see when I will ovulate. I tell myself that it is only for planning purposes for the next cycle. Jim has to bid his schedule for next month so I need to tell him when to be home. Really it's a shot in the dark because it varies from month to month
Balancing the baby obsessed Traci with the normal everyday Traci is not an easy task. Before I go potty I calculate how long it's been since the last time I went. How long of a hold have I had? (this can effect the accuracy of ovulation tests and pregnancy tests.) Oooooh a 4 hour hold, don't want to waste it. Then quick mental math to see what day I am on in my cycle to see if I should take an ovulation test or if it is too early to take a pregnancy test. All the while trying not to pee my pants while I attempt to unwrap the appropriate test. Never in a million years would I have believed how ridiculous this would all get.
Comments like "Just relax and it will happen" are so frustrating. Number one it is impossible to be relaxed when you are trying to relax. You try it right now while you are reading this. I'll wait....see not that easy is it. When something as simple and everyday as going potty triggers a flurry of ttc (trying to conceive) thoughts it's very hard not to richochet out of control.
I have to find a way to let go a little. It doesn't mean that I am giving up, just that something has to change. Lately I feel the need to protect my heart and the only way to do that is to let go. My dear friends and family have been so supportive and want this for Jim and I as much as we do. Each month that it doesn't happen I not only face my own disappointment, but feel like I have let them down.
When I decided to write this blog I needed to get my thoughts and feelings out. No holds barred commentary on what I feel. Some days it's depressing and that's okay because it's what I feel. Not everyone will have children and I am trying to come to terms with that possibility. Other days I'm hopeful and find humor in all of this and I will write about that too.
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