•7:42 PM
I’m enjoying this baby break and thinking about extending it until the start of the year. I would have loved for it to have happened all on its own this month, but I just don’t think that is ever going to happen. For some reason after the last loss I have not recovered. I am broken. I hate the label infertile and have fought against it with all my might. Right now I am completely sick of doctors, needles, tests, and instruments being shoved where the sun don’t shine.
The first time Jim went with me to a doctor’s appointment he turned white as a ghost during the internal ultrasound. He said he wasn’t sure how to feel seeing his wife spread eagle and a crowd of people molesting her in the name of medicine. Now he doesn’t even flinch and can even manage to ask the questions that I suddenly forget once I’m on the table.
Before you get mad, I am not giving up; just giving it a rest for a while. This has literally consumed my life for almost 2 years now and I am tired of fertility (or lack there of) defining me.
Right now I am trying to focus on all of the things that I can do because I am not tied down with little ones.
Here’s my list so far:
1. Take off on a moments notice to fly around with Jim
2. Sleep late
3. Sleep 8 hours straight through
4. Soak in the bathtub for as long as I like
5. Use bad words with reckless abandon instead of a watered down version
6. Give an adult conversation my full attention
7. Shop
8. Watch something other than Disney
9. Own breakable items and plants and not worry about little hands getting into them
10. Going to dinner at a place that does not have a kids menu
None of this is really any consolation. My list of what’s missing is much longer, but I’m trying to look on the bright side.
The first time Jim went with me to a doctor’s appointment he turned white as a ghost during the internal ultrasound. He said he wasn’t sure how to feel seeing his wife spread eagle and a crowd of people molesting her in the name of medicine. Now he doesn’t even flinch and can even manage to ask the questions that I suddenly forget once I’m on the table.
Before you get mad, I am not giving up; just giving it a rest for a while. This has literally consumed my life for almost 2 years now and I am tired of fertility (or lack there of) defining me.
Right now I am trying to focus on all of the things that I can do because I am not tied down with little ones.
Here’s my list so far:
1. Take off on a moments notice to fly around with Jim
2. Sleep late
3. Sleep 8 hours straight through
4. Soak in the bathtub for as long as I like
5. Use bad words with reckless abandon instead of a watered down version
6. Give an adult conversation my full attention
7. Shop
8. Watch something other than Disney
9. Own breakable items and plants and not worry about little hands getting into them
10. Going to dinner at a place that does not have a kids menu
None of this is really any consolation. My list of what’s missing is much longer, but I’m trying to look on the bright side.
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2 comments:
I'm impressed! Not only with your "not giving up, just taking a much needed rest" attitude but with your beautiful new layout!!! how'd you do this??? :-)
I think this list is nice as in finding the positives to the life you have now. :-)
Thanks Meghan. The blog template is from btemplates.com. It took forever to figure out how to download it, but I think I like it.
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